Walk Away

26 01 2014

Negotiations are important in our Lifestyle. Even in a M/s relationship, at some point in the relationship you start talking about what is involved. That is negotiation. Finding out what you want, what you need in a relationship. And you have to find out what the other person is offering. Are they compatible? Will they get you where you want to go? Be who you need to be?

If they don’t, walk away. This is mainly for the D-types. Leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not manipulate the s-type. Do not try to convince then you can do what they want, if that isn’t what you want. That isn’t owning your shit. That isn’t your role as a Dominant. That isn’t being true to your purpose.That isn’t who you are. You are being dishonest to the s. You are lying to them, to you.  A real dominant owns their desires. Owns their needs. Doesn’t subvert it just to get some pussy. To get laid. This Lifestyle is about more than sex. Sure sex is great, but it isn’t everything.  You can find sex in a lot of places, with out deceit, lying, conning. Be honest. Be a dominant.

Don’t be a Dumbinant.


Reflections on what home feels like

19 06 2012

I was recently interviewed for an article concerning the first conference I have ever went to…BlackBEAT.

I read the article and wasn’t really feeling the slant the article took and it didn’t actually vibe with me.  For some reason I kept wishing that the article was focussed more on expanding the classes, having more extras…fun, fun, fun.

Then I thought about it more.  This article was actually spot on.  There was so much truth in this article….simple truth that makes BlackBEAT more than just another conference in a long line of conferences.  There is just something about hugs at BlackBEAT.

When I made the decision to attend BlackBEAT alone I worried that I would get lost in the mix of people that would attend.  One of the things I did was sign up to volunteer so that I could be seen and get to know others who came.  I am normally a quiet person in crowds and not very welcoming to others so this was my way of getting out of my head.   I had no need to worry.  The first person I met when I entered the hotel was Cyberdiva.  She might not realize this or even remember it but that hug and welcome she gave me meant the world to me.  I felt accepted and welcomed.

It touched something in me and  no matter what the rest of the conference held that hug opened me up to be receptive to other hugs and other meetings and other experiences outside of what I usually allowed in my personal space.  When Master and I were leaving the O’Kink Family Reunion, Mistress Max hugged me to say goodbye and I just broke down and cried.  There is just something about hugs given and received at BlackBEAT.

I have to say with each BlackBEAT I have attended it is the same feeling…even at the scaled down day of Survivor Saturday.  Seeing everyone, coming home, being around family…those are the things that make BlackBEAT for me.  The classes, the knowledge shared, the lessons taught and learned are icing on a delicious red velvet cake.

Think I am the only way who feels this way…Nopecheck it outthere are others.

If you feel like stepping out and attending a conference this should be your first step…BlackBEAT 2012.  Go with open arms as hugs will be given freely.


4 06 2012

This weekend Master and I realized that we communicate differently.  Shocker, I know…LOL

This communication difference though is in terms of how each of us deal with the question “Why?”

“Imagination is more important than knowledge..”    ~.Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955) 

When I ask the question “Why?’, most times it is not with the desire to really know the answer.   Sometimes I like to just wonder why.  I like to imagine a possible answer outside of the actual answer.   Besides no one has all of the answers and a lot of the stuff that was thought to be the answer to something changes.  So why can’t my imaginings be a possibility.  😀

“If a man empties his purse into his head no one can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.”  

~Benjamin Franklin
US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)

Master, when he asks “Why?” or hears someone else ask “Why?”  he actually needs to find out “Why?”.  He is a lover of facts and knowledge.  His constant companion is either his iPhone or his iPad.  He listens to podcasts, read books, watches TV and looks at videos that deals with facts on different subjecst. He will immerse himself in a subject or many subjects until he has heard all sides.  There have been a number of people who mentioned wanting to lick his brain…LOL  If there is a subject that he has not heard about he will say, “I didn’t know that” and then find out about it.

This does not mean that I don’t find out actual truth about stuff that matters to me or that he doesn’t like to imagine different possibilities.

What this means is that when we talk with each other knowing this difference helps our communication go a lot smoother.  One thing that is a positive is that both of us are flexible.  The times when he wants to talk seriously about something I can and I find out what I don’t actually know.  Times when I need him to fantasize he does.  Worlds open up from his imagination, although a few facts sometimes slip in…lol.

Flexibility and Understanding.  Two more keys to keeping a relationship going.

All You Gotta Do Is Say Yes

23 05 2012

While listening to “Say Yes” by Floetry a thought hit me…my mind wanders in funny tangets sometimes towards clarity.

In the video the lady is writing about how the guy makes her feel and the man was drawing a picture of her.  Both in seperate seats, both thinking about each other.

The Chorus of the song goes:

“All you gotta do is say yes

Don’t deny what you feel let me undress you baby

Open up your mind just rest

I’m about to let you know you make me…”

Aside from the sexual reference the clarity that came to me was “Fill your mind with what you want/desire”.  Of late my brain has been on a downward spiral of what I don’t have (no job, no personal income, no stability, no whatever).  I have filled my brain with stress, sorrow, depression.

Last night lying in bed with Master I felt incredibly tired holding on to this stuff.

For self preservation I need to fill my head with better stuff.

“First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others.”

Thomas a Kempis1420
German mystic & religious author (1380 – 1471)

Earned Leather…

4 05 2012

I’m a slow learner, slow talker, and slow thinker.  I have to take time to contemplate things to really understand them.

For some reason I have been contemplating  someone’s questioning on whether they should keep the leather they earned.  Sitting here writing about a completely different lesson about my personal journey the below just became clear to me.

Leather is personal.  It can be earned through a set of instructions given to you by someone but it is what you put into those lessons that make it earned.  Completing the instructions are secondary to your personal journey.  It is like the sensei talking to the pupil, try and grab the grasshopper from my hand.  The goal was not to grab the grasshopper but I imagine it was for the pupil to learn why he wanted the grasshopper, what would he gain by completing that task, what will happen after he completed the task, how completing that task will change, affect, grow their life, etc.  It is the process of earning leather not the destination.   It is yours, earned through your lessons learned and no one can take that from you.

Trusting Again

30 04 2012

To me trust is like seeing a flower bloom.  Little by little the flower blooms.  The tight flower releases becoming softer and softer.  You open yourself up and let down your guard.  No protective coverings, soft and yielding.

pink roses Royalty Free Stock Photo

In some ways you connect and intertwine yourself with someone else.    It is not something that most people give lightly.  Deep trust in M/s relationships is a must.  Both parties have to be willing to let go and bloom.

Trust is not lost all at once it happens in stages, it is like a death.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

“If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger – we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to recommit, to be whole-hearted once again.”

~Sharon SalzbergO Magazine, The Power of Intention, January 2004

Once the decision is made to rebuild trust in someone, the decision must also made to be open again.  It is not an easy thing, basically you are starting over again with different information and reversing the stages of grief.

This is a hard thing and everyone needs to really access themselves to see if it can be done.  Sometimes holding onto  the hurt of putting themselves out there again makes people want to not bloom with that person anymore.

Blooming rose Royalty Free Stock Photo

If you do decide to stay beating yourself up and bringing up the past will not move you forward and will not help the relationship grow or change.  Time must be given to heal but healing must be done.  Self healing, relationship healing, regaining trust.


23 04 2012

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

Giving someone your trust as the quote says is not a black and white kinda of thing. The popular thought is being able to trust someone who is completely honest all the time. Those lies you tell a friend who is feeling a bit body conscious is not being honest all the time. Then the differences are made between big lies and little lies.

For me I don’t require truth in everything. Trust is not built on just one thing for me it is built on many things. To trust I require, honesty concerning the things that have been determined crucial (faithfulness, consistency, respect, being there for me, having a shoulder to cry on, someone who means what they say, etc.) I think you get the picture.

When trust is lost in a relationship it is not just that one thing that is lost it is all those things that go with trusting someone that is lost. Once lost it can be gotten back but it takes time. Although it is never the same as before. There’s that voice in the back of your brain or that piece in your heart that is kept separate and closed against full trust though. It’s like breaking the handle off of your favorite mug. You never really find all the pieces to glue it perfectly together again.

Some relationships can be better than it was before as it helps remove the newness rapper and expose the realness of the relationship. It is in the realness of a relationship that the relationship can strengthen if the relationship is still wanted by two people.

Some relationships end. Which is sometimes the best way to survive. I think sometimes people hold on too long to something that was not meant to be forever. There is freedom in giving yourself permission with being okay with leaving. As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one then you know what to do.

Neither is right as the decision is determined by the participants. I prefer to stay. Work it out if it can be and build a better, different relationship.

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