Negotiations: Are You Doing It Wrong?

13 11 2015

I was reading the other day about a very well known professional submissive who had a bad scene. While she was tied up, on stage, the person she was with refused to stop when she said to stop.  He was wanting her to say, “red”. It is sad to see such a fuck up. I blame the dom/top for the scene, but it is a good reminder that we need to take responsibility for our actions and the safety in the scene.  I don’t fetishize safety the way Jay Wiseman does, but he does make some good points. I believe I can simplify it a bit and still be useful.

I’m taking this as wrote that who is involved and where and when are covered, but if you don’t know for sure, don’t assume that a 3rd party won’t join in.  I would cover these topics while discussing the scene with the bottom partner. Not all do so explicitly so make sure they are covered, particularly if you are with a new partner you are considering playing with.

The aspects I would say I would focus on are the following in no particular order:

Stopping conditions:  What will cause you to stop? Safe word? A simple no? Medical condition? Bleeding?  Anything you can think of to end the scene.

After Condition: After care, who does it, is it needed? How much is typical? How long is typical? Is a follow up call after a few days appropriate/needed? Not everyone is the same, and if the bottom is new, you will have to play it by ear.

Sex/Intimacy: How much clothing is removed? What parts of the body is ok to touch? Be touched? Is digital penetration (fingering, jerking off) ok? Sex? Blow Jobs?

Limitations: I don’t typically negotiate what I am doing in a sceen because I don’t usually have a clue what I want to do, but I do know what the person isn’t ok with. No Canes? No whips? No blood?  Those are part of this.  Also, medical issues the person has. STDs, I would part of this. Can they be suspended safely? Anything that can be hinderance to the scene is here.

Anything else: Talk to each other, find out what they want from the scene. What you can offer in the scene. This goes for the Top and the bottom.

Good luck and have fun,

MV

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Sexual Fetish Researchers Categorize Fetish Popularity

21 07 2015

Interesting study I ran across in the Guardian, where researchers downloaded discussions from fetish discussion groups, then spent 3 years analyzing them. Some crazy stuff there, but nothing really unexpected. Feet top the list, with body sizes next. Least favorite body fetish? Body odor. I didn’t know there was a fetish for that even

Oddest fetish? 2 were into pacemakers.

Check it out

MV





A Research Call

23 06 2014

I got an interesting message the other day from a young lady asking for her with her research. I thought it was a subject that needed more exposure, so I offered her to ask for help for her.  So take a look below and see if you would like to help. POC ResearchPOC Research (2)





Interesting Post on Jezebel

27 09 2012

I just read this story about a sex worker who interviewed a client who masturbates while she burns his feet with cigarettes. Interesting read.





Let’s Talk About Sex (and BDSM)

3 12 2011

I’m seeing something today that I find interesting. More and more I am seeing new people into the scene looking for sex. Pain and Sex. Control and Sex. Spankings and Sex. Bondage and Sex. Very different from the world I came of age in.

When I started out, I was directed to improve myself. Learn control. Learn how to manipulate the flash of my partner. Bring agony and ecstasy to my partner. Sex would come to eventually, with the right person.And it would be great. Don’t limit your options by only playing with those you would fuck. Instead sample a wide variety. Try different skills. Learn. Grow. Be a better Dominant for your submissive, but play with those that were available so you can be better.

I think it is what made me a good Master for my esclave. We have sex, but our relationship is not based on sex. Sex is good, but Control is better. She knows her place. I know mine. We are both happier this way. And sex is better this way.

But there were a whole lot of people before her that I played with that allowed me to be who I am with her.And I appreciate them for the opportunity for growth they allowed me.

Some couldn’t imagine doing what they do without a sexual relationship. I can respect this, but I think they are missing out on a while lot Opportunities to learn and grow. How can you know if your partner will like something if you don’t take the time to become good at it? The first time may be so bad they never want to do it again, while a more experienced player can tell you what you are doing well.

Look at the acronym BDSM. Originally this meant Bondage and Discipline plus Sadism and Masochism. Later, Domination and Submission was added to round out the group. Bondage is tying someone up.Discipline means control and pain. Sadism is about inflicting pain, Masochism means receiving pain. Domination and Submission are about taking and giving up control.

Where is the Sex in that list? It isn’t there. And I think there is a reason for that.

Let me know what you think, in the comments.

MV





Definitions: Dom Vs. Master; Round 1

26 01 2011

I have been seeing a few discussions on FetLife where people are wondering what the differences are between a Dominant and a Master. In many ways, there isn’t a lot of a difference, in others there are whole worlds of differences. First, I do want to make clear that these are my opinions and not those of anyone else, necessarily. While I think they are reasoned and well thought out, you may think it is total crap. Frankly, I am ok with that. We each need to come to our own understanding of what these terms mean, but I think it is a good idea to have a basic shared understanding of what words mean so that we can communicate with each other.

That said, I think that in common usage there is a bit of overlap between the two words. They both are used to indicate that the person enjoys playing with a bit of control with their partner. Both like feeling in charge.  The world of BDSM has no clear lines, only fuzzy borders where worlds blend. Some Dominants and Masters are not much different than a vanilla lover who likes a “traditional” relationship. Well, at least in a traditionally male dominant relationship.

If BDSM is a spectrum that starts with vanilla on one end, and full time 24/7 human ownership on the other, Dominants fall in the broad range in the middle. They make up the largest numbers of our community, and range from casual bedroom only situations to full time play partners. I have found though, that they generally are less focused on formal BDSM, although there are definitely exceptions. I think that most of use start in this area, and stay there as it meets our needs. However, some choose a different path and focus more on the controlling aspects and formality of BDSM. Play and control play large parts in their relationships, but play usually has a slight, but definite, edge. Dominants tend to play with subs too.

Thus we come to the term Master.  Really it means two things. Some use it to refer to those that have spent a life time in the community and have earned the respect of their peers. Others are those that own slaves, or human property. They tend to take the lifestyle more seriously. They may develop household manuals, complicated rituals and are more focused on the controlling aspects of a relationship, though play is an important part of their relationship.

Really, neither is better than the other. I know plenty of dominants who take the lifestyle seriously. Focus on rules and rituals. But, I think they are an exception rather than the rule.

What really matters though, is how you live your life, not the terms you use. As the Bard said, “Would not a rose by another name spell as sweet?”

What are your thoughts on this?  I would love to hear about them in the comments.

MV





This Week in Kink – A New Podcast

9 09 2009

I have been listening to This Week in Kink, a new kink/bdsm oriented podcast.  It seems more towards general bdsm than straight out kink though.  JohnBaku and tonja along with other invited guests talk about some of the topics brought up in the groups on FetLife. I have been listening to all of the episodes  (5 so far) and have enjoyed them greatly.  They are slowly starting out, and the production quality is good. My sole critique is that they are heavily Male Dom-fem sub oriented.  I would love to hear some Fem Doms on their show.

They podcast is modeled after another of my favorite podcasts, Twit (this week in tech). The format is simple, a round table discussing anything from hotdogs and begging (don’t ask, just listen to episode #4), first time BDSM experiences, to advice for newbies. I look forward to this in my podcatcher each week, and usually listen while I am at work (got to listen to it on the drive to work this week, that made the morning meeting much more enjoyable).

Anyway, I have enjoyed it greatly and hope they keep up the good work.  Please check it out yourself and let me know what you think.

If you want to subscribe, copy this link: feed://feeds.feedburner.com/thisweekinkink

MV








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