Consent and BDSM

12 08 2012
A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back. ...

A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back. This was a featured picture of Lady Byron (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been brought to my attention that our community is having a discussion about consent. That is a good thing.  I think that consent is one of the Foundations of BDSM. A core principal, along with Honesty and Trust. But what is it and how do we achieve consent in our relationships? What is the role of the Dominant and the  submissive?  Well here is my view of things.

Consent according to the dictionary is:

to give assent or approval :agree

Informed consent is what we are discussing here.  It is paramount that all parties are both aware of the facts, and agree to them. Dominants should clearly lay out what they plan, so far as they are aware. Submissives are also responsible in being truthful with their own desires and capabilities.  And consent can be withdrawn at any time. That doesn’t mean the relationship is over, but it does mean that both sides have to do some heart-searching and mind-searching to figure out why what happened happened.  From being open and honest with each other, there comes the trust. And Informed consensual activity is at the basis of our lives.

Don’t jerk people around. Be honest with them. Tell them what you can do, what you expect from them. This applies to both sides of the power exchange.


Ponder that.



4 06 2012

This weekend Master and I realized that we communicate differently.  Shocker, I know…LOL

This communication difference though is in terms of how each of us deal with the question “Why?”

“Imagination is more important than knowledge..”    ~.Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955) 

When I ask the question “Why?’, most times it is not with the desire to really know the answer.   Sometimes I like to just wonder why.  I like to imagine a possible answer outside of the actual answer.   Besides no one has all of the answers and a lot of the stuff that was thought to be the answer to something changes.  So why can’t my imaginings be a possibility.  😀

“If a man empties his purse into his head no one can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.”  

~Benjamin Franklin
US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)

Master, when he asks “Why?” or hears someone else ask “Why?”  he actually needs to find out “Why?”.  He is a lover of facts and knowledge.  His constant companion is either his iPhone or his iPad.  He listens to podcasts, read books, watches TV and looks at videos that deals with facts on different subjecst. He will immerse himself in a subject or many subjects until he has heard all sides.  There have been a number of people who mentioned wanting to lick his brain…LOL  If there is a subject that he has not heard about he will say, “I didn’t know that” and then find out about it.

This does not mean that I don’t find out actual truth about stuff that matters to me or that he doesn’t like to imagine different possibilities.

What this means is that when we talk with each other knowing this difference helps our communication go a lot smoother.  One thing that is a positive is that both of us are flexible.  The times when he wants to talk seriously about something I can and I find out what I don’t actually know.  Times when I need him to fantasize he does.  Worlds open up from his imagination, although a few facts sometimes slip in…lol.

Flexibility and Understanding.  Two more keys to keeping a relationship going.

Let It Flow…

4 05 2012

Words for the day: Let it Flow


The chorus for this song has been playing in my head all week. Sometimes in the background most times in the foreground when I wake up.


The song talks about releasing a relationship but I think it can also mean that we need to release those things that are not good for us (habits, relationships, behaviors, anger, frustration, hopelessness, wishful thinking, love, whatever). The pain we feel from releasing these things hurts but once the hurt stops the healing begins.


Sometimes we just need to make the decision to Let it Flow back into the universe in order to receive so much more.


Happy Day Everyone 🙂

Trusting Again

30 04 2012

To me trust is like seeing a flower bloom.  Little by little the flower blooms.  The tight flower releases becoming softer and softer.  You open yourself up and let down your guard.  No protective coverings, soft and yielding.

pink roses Royalty Free Stock Photo

In some ways you connect and intertwine yourself with someone else.    It is not something that most people give lightly.  Deep trust in M/s relationships is a must.  Both parties have to be willing to let go and bloom.

Trust is not lost all at once it happens in stages, it is like a death.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

“If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger – we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to recommit, to be whole-hearted once again.”

~Sharon SalzbergO Magazine, The Power of Intention, January 2004

Once the decision is made to rebuild trust in someone, the decision must also made to be open again.  It is not an easy thing, basically you are starting over again with different information and reversing the stages of grief.

This is a hard thing and everyone needs to really access themselves to see if it can be done.  Sometimes holding onto  the hurt of putting themselves out there again makes people want to not bloom with that person anymore.

Blooming rose Royalty Free Stock Photo

If you do decide to stay beating yourself up and bringing up the past will not move you forward and will not help the relationship grow or change.  Time must be given to heal but healing must be done.  Self healing, relationship healing, regaining trust.

My Slave Isn’t My Girlfriend

4 05 2011

I saw a post on FetLife the other day where someone asked why her Dom said she made a better girlfriend than a sub. This cause a bit of confusion for people. They did not get that there was a real difference between a girlfriend and a full time submissive. You see, in a modern boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, the partners are pretty much equals. They negotiate every thing. Sometimes he gets his way, other times she gets her way.  In a D/s or M/s relationship, both get their needs met, but the power is oriented so that the D-type gets their way. That is the difference and why a sub isn’t my girlfriend. The exchange of power.

Now for some, they do the dating thing and don’t exchange power outside of the bedroom. And that is OK, but that is why for some of us power exchange is more important.

Let me know how you feel about this, in the comments.


Master Void and esclave Presents: Mastering a Long Distance Relationship

30 03 2011

esclave and I presented our Mastering a Long Distance Relationship presentation last night at the MBZ conference..  A lot of folks wondered where they could get the slides that I used. So I offered to put them up here, at House of Void. So, click, download Mastering A Long Distance Relationship and enjoy!


Oh, and if you have never been to the MBZ conferee, I highly recommend it. It is a free online conference hosted every week by Master Zeus on Tuesday and Thursday nights at nine pm eastern.

Thoughts On My Upcoming Marriage

5 11 2010


This time next week I will be married to my slave. For myself, this isn’t a big deal for the most part. It simplifies many of the legalities, though it may complicate finding a second slave. Or not. It is not something I can control, so I choose not to worry about  it.


For my girl, it has been something that meant more than she realized. It has taken away her ability to focus on her duties to me and at work. We are working on this. I have noticed that at each stage of our relationship, she reverts her behavior because she loose her focus on the role, instead she focuses on the event. But in reality, the event just is a marker for our relationship, and without the proper focus on the role, our relationship is meaningless. Well not quit meaningless, but the meaning is more aligned with the mundane world. It takes us out of the Master and slave roles we have committed to.

So, I have to renew my efforts in our relationship. I cannot allow my love for her to cloud my duty to her, to us really. Without our commitment to each other, to ourselves and to our chosen roles, the rest is meaningless.


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