Negotiations: Are You Doing It Wrong?

13 11 2015

I was reading the other day about a very well known professional submissive who had a bad scene. While she was tied up, on stage, the person she was with refused to stop when she said to stop.  He was wanting her to say, “red”. It is sad to see such a fuck up. I blame the dom/top for the scene, but it is a good reminder that we need to take responsibility for our actions and the safety in the scene.  I don’t fetishize safety the way Jay Wiseman does, but he does make some good points. I believe I can simplify it a bit and still be useful.

I’m taking this as wrote that who is involved and where and when are covered, but if you don’t know for sure, don’t assume that a 3rd party won’t join in.  I would cover these topics while discussing the scene with the bottom partner. Not all do so explicitly so make sure they are covered, particularly if you are with a new partner you are considering playing with.

The aspects I would say I would focus on are the following in no particular order:

Stopping conditions:  What will cause you to stop? Safe word? A simple no? Medical condition? Bleeding?  Anything you can think of to end the scene.

After Condition: After care, who does it, is it needed? How much is typical? How long is typical? Is a follow up call after a few days appropriate/needed? Not everyone is the same, and if the bottom is new, you will have to play it by ear.

Sex/Intimacy: How much clothing is removed? What parts of the body is ok to touch? Be touched? Is digital penetration (fingering, jerking off) ok? Sex? Blow Jobs?

Limitations: I don’t typically negotiate what I am doing in a sceen because I don’t usually have a clue what I want to do, but I do know what the person isn’t ok with. No Canes? No whips? No blood?  Those are part of this.  Also, medical issues the person has. STDs, I would part of this. Can they be suspended safely? Anything that can be hinderance to the scene is here.

Anything else: Talk to each other, find out what they want from the scene. What you can offer in the scene. This goes for the Top and the bottom.

Good luck and have fun,

MV





Traditions Forgotten

23 10 2013

There are a couple of items that have come to my attention that reminded me that we aren’t teaching the new people properly. So here are 2 things to keep in mind.

1) Keep it private.  By and large, people in this Lifestyle want to keep their privacy.  We tend to avoid full names (often just using an alias or a scene name). But one thing people forget is that it applies both in and outside of an event.  The privacy part that is.  Don’t go up to people you only know in the Scene and say “Hi” to them like you know them or you are their friends.  Just nod (or better still don’t nod), and move on.  You don’t know what they are doing in their life. who they are with, how they would have to explain they know you.  Just don’t do it.  Move along, nothing to see.

2) Scene etiquette 101. Don’t touch other peoples gear. Don’t touch other peoples property, Don’t get too close to a scene. Do’t talk too loud.  Do read this.

That is all for now.

MV





To Slaves: Yes you Have a Choice

20 07 2012
A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back. ...

Photo credit: Wikipedia

Ok. I saw something on FetLife today that really annoyed me. A slave essentially said the following:

It isn’t my choice to do this, my Master made me do this.

Bull-fucking-shit.

Yes slaves, unless you are brain-damaged or brainwashed, it is your choice. It may not be your preference but you choose every day to obey and honor your Master. Do not demean that choice by saying that it isn’t yours to make. Own it. Be proud of it.

Now, if you are a slave who is beaten and kept chained naked in an unheated damp basement, then I am wrong in your case. You don’t have a choice. Everyone else, watch your language.

(And if your that chained/caged/beaten slaves master, message me about how the fuck you got away with it.

MV





Centered Through Meditation

20 09 2010

One of the tools that I use to help keep me centered is meditation.

I meditate 3 days out of the week for 20 minutes.   I usually meditate with soothing music playing and in a dark room.  This helps me relax my mind after such a busy day which usually starts at 6:30am.  Admittedly it is hard sometimes and it takes bit longer for me to relax into it.  When those times happen I spend the first few moments just focusing on my breathing.  I take deliberate breaths in and out until I feel my body relaxing and my mind opening up.

Master’s constant teaching for me is to learn how to just be.  Be where I am at the moment and nothing more.  I have the tendency to be all over the place and many days in the future.  It has taken me sometime to really appreciate the times that I have for meditation because I kept thinking that my time could be better spent doing many of the hundred other things that I had to do.

What I realized though was that meditation actually helped me be more focused.  Instead of running around doing many thing all at once I do one thing at a time giving my full time and attention to the task as needed.

Importantly when I meditate it reminds that I am doing this at my Master’s command.  Each time I kneel in position I am submitting my will to my Master’s will.

For me, my submission to Master is one step at a time.  I become my Master’s slave always and in all ways.

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it’s letting go.” anonymous

Thoughts, comments…please feel free to share.

MV’s esclave





How Not to Negotiate – “I desire to be your slave”

26 07 2010

So when I started in this lifestyle I knew nothing about labels all I knew was that I desired to be with someone that I can give over everything too.  I often say that I have no middle ground it is either all or nothing with me.  So, hey, I found these people with men who wanted from me what I wanted to give.  I learned my life lessons enough to know how to choose a man and the types to stay away from.  So this is not about that.  Maybe I’ll write a mini post about trusting your own life lessons.   Back to the subject.

So my wanting to serve was such a beautiful image.  In my mind I would be serving my Master, cooking and doing all of the easy stuff and then I would get rewarded for all of my efforts.  I would get to kneel at his feet and he would stroke my hair and I would sigh and everything would be the way it was supposed.  (This is where the loud screeching of a car coming to an abrupt halt gets played).  Yeah, so the first time I went to Master’s house ummmm let’s just say that fantasy did not meet reality.   Let me add that this was during the consideration stage for both of us.  So my having this chance in the beginning to serve him was, for me, a chance to see if I was what he needed and if this was what I needed.

So the first time I served him was not like how I imagined it would be.  There were dirty dishes and dirty clothes and dirty bathrooms and stuff…lol  And yeah, it was like, well you want to serve well serve…LOL  You want to be my slave well this is what I need.  What in the world happened to my fantasy?

So I shrug it off and and say to myself maybe if I do all of this stuff for him then maybe I’ll get some of my fantasy.  I mean he’ll be all appreciative and stuff and then the fun for me can begin.  Ummm yeah, that didn’t happen either.  What actually happened was that I ran myself ragged trying to be wonder cleaner and got myself so upset trying to make my fantasy work that I ended up crying in the kitchen.

Master came downstairs and said, “girl what’s wrong”?  I blurted it all out and he said to me but what did I tell you to do.   He had only asked me to straighten the kitchen (meaning wipe the table and load the dishwasher) and fix breakfast.  Well I straightened the kitchen (meaning I deep cleaned it on my hands and knees and cleaned out the fridge and stove and cabinets and still didn’t fix breakfast).  He said, what did I ask you to do and why didn’t you do what I asked you to do?  While still sniffling into his shirt I said but I have to have stuff a certain way before I could do other stuff and all of this other stuff needed to be done.   He looked at me and said here is your first lesson in being my slave, if I tell you to do something that is what I want you to do.  Nothing else but what I told you to do.

I would love to say that that was the only time he had to teach me that lesson but it wasn’t.  I can say that that first lesson was much appreciated because that lesson along with all of the others helped me take my relationship with Master from fantasy to reality.  It is this reality that is much better than any fantasy slave I had imagined.  We are in a relationship and a very realistic one.

My words of learning:  If a relationship is what you want you have to keep going past the fantasy in your head.  My fantasy was very limiting and not that far from the “50/50” type thinking.  I do this for you, you do this for me.  My relationship with Master now is much more than that thanks to that first lesson.  We both give 100% of ourselves to be committed to this relationship.

Please feel free to share your comments, questions, impressions.

MV’s esclave





Electrical Play Basics: TENS Unit

21 07 2010

Tens UnitI believe that the best way to begin with electrical play is the TENS unit. (TENS means Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation.) A Tens unit is a box you use to generate an electrical pulse which is used in medicine for pain control.

We don’t use it for that.

Instead, we use it to stimulate the muscles and skin of our partners. The frequency of the pulses and the intensity can be adjusted from so that you can go to very pleasurable to quite intense. It is perhaps the easiest and safest, while allowing for a wide range of sensations. You can even find attachments that will allow you to provide some unique sensations.

Before you begin electrical play, keep in mind that this is advance play, even with a toy like this.  Get help from your local community. Never use it on the head, and be very careful to not use it near the hear (particularly if you use it across the heart).  I would urge you to buy and read Juice first before you do anything electrical, or find a mentor to teach you hands on.

Good luck and have fun.

MV





I Too Are An Internets Dominate

2 12 2009

Ok, this shouldn’t take too long.  Pay attention. There will be a quiz at the end.

I see a fairly common statement made by D-types out on the internets, and I feel compelled to say something. If you have made this mistake, please take note of what I am about to tell you and correct yourself in the future.  It is important.  And this has to be stopped before someone gets hurt. Probably you if you do this.

I see people saying the following all across the internets:

I am a dominate with years of experience.

No. Your You’re not.  If you had years of experience, you would know that what you are is a Dominant. Not dominate. Dominate is what you do, Dominant is what you are.

Read the rest of this entry »








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