Negotiations: Are You Doing It Wrong?

13 11 2015

I was reading the other day about a very well known professional submissive who had a bad scene. While she was tied up, on stage, the person she was with refused to stop when she said to stop.  He was wanting her to say, “red”. It is sad to see such a fuck up. I blame the dom/top for the scene, but it is a good reminder that we need to take responsibility for our actions and the safety in the scene.  I don’t fetishize safety the way Jay Wiseman does, but he does make some good points. I believe I can simplify it a bit and still be useful.

I’m taking this as wrote that who is involved and where and when are covered, but if you don’t know for sure, don’t assume that a 3rd party won’t join in.  I would cover these topics while discussing the scene with the bottom partner. Not all do so explicitly so make sure they are covered, particularly if you are with a new partner you are considering playing with.

The aspects I would say I would focus on are the following in no particular order:

Stopping conditions:  What will cause you to stop? Safe word? A simple no? Medical condition? Bleeding?  Anything you can think of to end the scene.

After Condition: After care, who does it, is it needed? How much is typical? How long is typical? Is a follow up call after a few days appropriate/needed? Not everyone is the same, and if the bottom is new, you will have to play it by ear.

Sex/Intimacy: How much clothing is removed? What parts of the body is ok to touch? Be touched? Is digital penetration (fingering, jerking off) ok? Sex? Blow Jobs?

Limitations: I don’t typically negotiate what I am doing in a sceen because I don’t usually have a clue what I want to do, but I do know what the person isn’t ok with. No Canes? No whips? No blood?  Those are part of this.  Also, medical issues the person has. STDs, I would part of this. Can they be suspended safely? Anything that can be hinderance to the scene is here.

Anything else: Talk to each other, find out what they want from the scene. What you can offer in the scene. This goes for the Top and the bottom.

Good luck and have fun,


50/50, 75/25, 60/40, 100/0….

2 07 2012

My post tonight will be a short one.

Something I have come to realize in relationships is that when things start to go bad people start to look at how much each has contributed to the relationship.  We start to become consumed with the percentages we give in relation to the other party.

We start making lists of things that we do and they don’t do.  The percentage of promises kept that we keep that they don’t keep. We start looking at how much more we give to the relationship than the other person.  How many times we tried to talk and had to say the same thing over and over due to he or she not listening.  How much more we sacrifice, change, give up than the other person?

For me love is as it says in 1 Corinthians 13: 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

For me this means that love does not keep bringing up the things that the other person has done to the point that it is used as a weapon and a hindrance.  When you start to keep a record of things that the other person has done wrong you are putting your energies into helping you end the relationship.

This relationship has taught me many things both good and bad about myself.  When things are going bad with us I start going over in my head how I serve better than he Master’s.  How I have given up more than he has given up.  How I have adjusted more than he has had to adjust.  Whatever the case may be.  I realized that for myself if I am truly operating from a point of not leaving this relationship then I need to not do that anymore.

I can’t hold onto these “records of wrongs” and leave room for my heart to continue to be open.  These wrongs (perceived or otherwise) close my heart and makes me incapable of seeing when things do change.  I fail to see these changes because holding on to these things makes me doubtful and causes me to be afraid to be open again.

“If you don’t accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense.”

Holly LisleFire In The Mist, 1992

This is just my revelation and everyone has to make the decision for themselves what is and is not good for their relationship. I am all about accepting personal responsibility and for me despite my Master or what’s happening in our relationship this is my personal responsibility to ensure that I am giving me to this relationship.  That is my vow to him.

Korean Tea Ceremony

19 02 2012


Traditional Japanese Tea service

12 02 2012

Part 1. Part 2 after the break.

Read the rest of this entry »

Traditional Chinese Tea Service

5 02 2012

I am going to be delving into tea research  the next few weeks. I am going to publish some of the more interesting stuff here.



9 11 2011

So these last few months Master and I have both spoken of the adjustments we have had to make in being together.

The issues we had in relating to each other were put on the back burner due to our distance. It was realized that our communication skills were really lacking.

Truthfully, my habit of being extremely passive aggressive when I got upset instead of talking about what was bothering me became a downer in the house and made even being around each other feel like a chore for me. He would ask “what’s wrong” my passive aggressive response “nothing”…So there you see issues of me not being open and honest and trusting.

Other issues (His sickness, my kids, stress of moving) didn’t help our situation one bit.

One night when we were out together, I finally could not hold it in any longer and broke or more like cried my eyes out. I still could not say what was bothering me as I let stuff build up too much. When I was finally able to speak days later I mentioned some of the items above that were bothering me. But as I finally began to open up I realized what i was missing the most and what was the real issue for me was our lack of intimacy.

You see with us being apart we made time to just talk to each other. One of the things we would do before going to sleep every night was to talk. Talk about our day, what was going on, politics, kids, make jokes, whatever. We would share space with each other. Just us space. This was better than sex space, this was us connecting together, relaxing with each other, mentally and emotionally reconnecting. This for me was so freaking important more than I realized.

Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture…Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.
Norman Vincent Peale (1898 – 1993)

Basically, I lost my happy picture. With me “doing” and “caring’ and “making sure” for everyone else, i lost my happy picture and my happy place. I saw everything that was not right and developed unhappiness and my outlook was bleak. I was secretly wishing that my house wouldn’t sell so that I could have a place to go back to you when (not if) this didn’t work out.

I am so extremely grateful to Master. He listened to me, acknowledged that stuff was screwy and had me kiss his feet.

Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.
Matthew Arnold (1822 – 1888)

Yeah, myself is as His slave. That’s who I am. I needed to remember why I chose to be His slave. I was not relying on my foundation which was Him. I guess Him being sick shook me more than I thought. My Superman was not so impervious after all. Instead of acknowledging that bit as well I did what I was taught to do, fell back on to my years of being a single mom and teachings of the woman always taking control and put myself in charge, lost my foundation, and lost my happiness.

Master said to me last night “we are happier now than we have been”. I agree with this. We are happy. We connect, we talk, we apologize, we are back on track.

My hand in His for ever and always.


MV’s esclave

Surrender Level 46, Number 56, Section k

18 04 2011

“It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one’s thoughts…”  Isabel Colegate


transitive verb
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort>

I am pretty sure that I have written about this topic many times before but this for me is not just a one time thing it is constant and conscious.  I envision my being a slave to Master like  a crystal.  I am being molded into a shape that is pleasing to him but I still contain all the different aspects of me.  This is how I think of my surrender to Master.


This colorless synthetic diamond from Apollo Diamond may pose a bit of a challenge to the African warlords and the De Beers cartel. This diamond has the same atomic structure as a...I am just not sure how to start this.  So I am just going to start typing and hopefully this will be clear and in some kind of order.

This past March I went down to visit my Master.  The minute I got there he grabbed my tits in that excruciating way that he does.  Sort of like a squeeze and twist sort of technique and my piercings add something extra special.  Trust me…hurts like heck.  Totally puts me in a different head space.  Afterwards he bought out the dreaded stun gun…i HATE that thing.  He hit me with it twice.  As I am sitting there with him on the floor he gets some rope, dumps it on me and ties me up…nice 🙂  He then puts clips on my breasts and then directly on my nipples.  Did I mention that my nipples are pierced and that having clips on them hurts really, really bad…lol   He puts them directly on my nipples and then pulls them off.  This was done several times to the point where my nipple started to bleed.

Usually after intense play, I just need a blanket and a quiet place by myself.  I don’t usually like it when people touch me or even speak to me after intense play as I need to “collect” myself.  I feel that touching me and caring for me after you have hurt me is too vulnerable a place for me.  So I don’t do it.  Not with anyone.  To appear weak and vulnerable is not something that I can do easily.  There has been no place in my life for this.

This last time with Master however, I wanted after care.  As I was sitting in my corner, I kept asking myself why am I deliberately being alone.  I wanted him to hold me and let me cry in his arms.  I wanted him to smooth my face and reassure me that he loves me and will always be there. I just could not bring myself to ask him even though I wanted to beg him to just sit near me.  That was a wow moment for me.

I didn’t realize that this was another wall I had built up to protect myself.    Emotional pain is worse than physical pain.  I have had a lot of emotional pain.   I can endure physical pain, scars heal, endorphins kick in, life is good.  But residual emotional pain affects many parts of me.  I realize it now.

So here is me shedding light on this part of me and surrendering further to my Master.

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