Post for Monday

23 07 2012

Nothing new with me at the moment.

Our weekend was good.

We saw Batman.  I would recommend it to anyone.  Great wrap up to a trilogy

Sad start to the week with the stuff going on in Colorado.   As President Obama said…life is precious and each moment we have with each other is important.

 

Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!

Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
Roman Emperor, A.D. 161-180 (121 AD – 180 AD)

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Active Listening, Positive Reinforcement, Perception, and Growth

16 07 2012

I know, that’s a lot for a title….LOL  But it is all things I want to talk about.  Hopefully my thoughts are clear, if not, ask.

I will include no disclaimers about my words…

Several thoughts on this subject have been popping around in my head.

I found this really good article on “Active Listening” from Wikipedia.  Type it in a search engine and take a look.

Most people, when they practice “active listening” tend to parrot back to the speaker what was said in order to move towards clarification of something from the speaker to the listener.  This is a useful skill in parenting, relationships, teaching, and working.  This helps with cutting down on misunderstandings of interpretations due to a number of reasons.  It can also help both parties take a step back from a volatile situation due to emotions popping up, triggers (look it up) being set off, old memories and other hindrances to listening to each other.

One of the things, I find, that is not practiced in learning “active listening” is the ability for people to not internalize, even after clarification, what they think the other person might have said due to their own personal, internal blocks.

Meaning, the problem will continue when the listener’s internal filters says:  “I heard what you said and I understand what you said but I know that’s not what you really meant.”

In this instance it is up to the listener to internally work towards understanding their problem because it is their problem.

I used to feel such guilt and responsibility that someone might possibly misunderstand even one word of what I said that I would use many clarifiers to insure that what they heard was pleasant and pleasing and wouldn’t leave them with any negative emotions.  My words became watered down and my convictions became not so convicted.  I had no stand on anything because of my perceptions on how the other person would be affected.

My responsibility…take ownership of what are my problems.  I am all about self-growth and exploration.  I love to learn about myself.  I take full responsibility for my growth and I know when something is not right due to my own internal issues.  I become more me when I become more authentic.  I accept my flaws and know when they are just that, my flaws.  I was out talking with hubby, having an impromptu date night, all of a sudden I started hearing us speak to each other.  It was like one of those out of body for clarity type moments.  I heard us both making disclaimers to each other while we were talking.  I don’t even know when we started doing this.  It just struck me so hard that I stopped talking and I said to him I don’t know when conversations with us became so hard.  When did we have to start apologizing to each other in order to make the other feel good?  I said, “I am not doing that anymore.”  In my mind, at that moment, we became the adults that we both are.  My responsibility in that moment became to treat him as an adult that does not need to be spoon fed anything and also releasing him from whatever feelings he might have of needing to do that to me.  I am not going to assume anymore that he misunderstood my words because trying to clarify something that you think the other person misunderstood or might accept the wrong way will lead to both of you doing this:

Person 1:  I’m sorry, I only meant by my words (insert explanation here)

Person 2:  I understood what you said.  I wanted to let you know that (insert explanation here)

Person 1:  Oh yeah, I got that.  I just wanted to make sure you heard (insert explanation here)

And this can go on and on before you both realize that you don’t even remember what you are clarifying, you don’t remember what you were talking about, and you are both left with this sort of WTF just happened sort of feeling.

In that moment you disconnect from each other.  You stop becoming “one” in the sense of being together in the relationship and start becoming two people in a relationship.

This is not a killer in relationships because with realization of the problem(s) comes growth.  Growth has to happen.  No relationship is static and no two people in a relationship can be static.  Static relationships lead to two people in a dead relationship.

So we move and we ebb and flow as people do. I love and I hate this relationship sometimes.  But it’s always worth the price of admission or submission, so to speak.





“Why?”

4 06 2012

This weekend Master and I realized that we communicate differently.  Shocker, I know…LOL

This communication difference though is in terms of how each of us deal with the question “Why?”

“Imagination is more important than knowledge..”    ~.Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955) 

When I ask the question “Why?’, most times it is not with the desire to really know the answer.   Sometimes I like to just wonder why.  I like to imagine a possible answer outside of the actual answer.   Besides no one has all of the answers and a lot of the stuff that was thought to be the answer to something changes.  So why can’t my imaginings be a possibility.  😀

“If a man empties his purse into his head no one can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.”  

~Benjamin Franklin
US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)

Master, when he asks “Why?” or hears someone else ask “Why?”  he actually needs to find out “Why?”.  He is a lover of facts and knowledge.  His constant companion is either his iPhone or his iPad.  He listens to podcasts, read books, watches TV and looks at videos that deals with facts on different subjecst. He will immerse himself in a subject or many subjects until he has heard all sides.  There have been a number of people who mentioned wanting to lick his brain…LOL  If there is a subject that he has not heard about he will say, “I didn’t know that” and then find out about it.

This does not mean that I don’t find out actual truth about stuff that matters to me or that he doesn’t like to imagine different possibilities.

What this means is that when we talk with each other knowing this difference helps our communication go a lot smoother.  One thing that is a positive is that both of us are flexible.  The times when he wants to talk seriously about something I can and I find out what I don’t actually know.  Times when I need him to fantasize he does.  Worlds open up from his imagination, although a few facts sometimes slip in…lol.

Flexibility and Understanding.  Two more keys to keeping a relationship going.





Intimacy

30 01 2012

Lying together our  bodies are pressed together.

We meld…two become one after a long day of separation.

The time apart only enhances these times together

Our bodies fit together without any awkwardness

In and out, In and out

One breath, one heartbeat





Consistency

9 03 2011

Consistency. That is a word that is often used in our community, but do we really understand what it means?  It doesn’t mean being strict. It doesn’t mean being boring or being repetitive. What it means is that you are the same now as when you began the relationship. It doesn’t mean your interests can’t change.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t grow as an individual. It does mean you are rational in your progress as a person. The growth and changes are rational. That your slave can see where you were and where you are, and that the core is there.

One example from my relationship is how I manage the tasks I give my girl.  I tell her to do things, and then I watch.  I may not pay attention every day, but I know what I have asked her to do and after the time together she does too. I monitor things, and watch and while I may not comment every day, I will eventually. She knows this. This is how I have been from day one.  Is this the right thing for your relationship? Maybe yes, maybe no, but it works for ours. If she doesn’t do what she is supposed to, she knows I will hang her by her actions. Or will reward her as well.

So I am consistent. I have done this since day one. I may not be consistent as you define it, but I am consistent in a way she understand.

How do you define consistency in your relationships?

MV





How not to negotiate: I will not be in a long distance relationship

7 09 2010

I am going to attempt to write this and hopefully it won’t come across as sounding full of regret.

When I met Master I was in a relationship with someone who was on the other side of US in the Pacific Northwest.  This relationship was really hard as I am the type of person who needs regular physical contact.  I am not much of a talker but physical contact gives me energy.   I like to snuggle and give random hugs and kisses and just touch a hand.   Also, I like to have sex with someone over having sex alone.  The interaction and energy exchange from bodies touching.  I like seeing the pleasure on my Master’s, seeing his body flushed from excitement, kissing his lips while we exchange breath.  Sinking into one another…his pleasure is my pleasure.

So having someone hours and hours away I realize is not good for me.    Besides that’s how relationship were supposed to be to me.  So after my relationship broke up while I was talking with Master I said I cannot do a long distance relationship.  Our goals included me moving to be closer to him which is why I continued to get to know him.  So a year after my collaring I  was supposed to move to be with him.

But, life got in the way big time.  Master and I met right around the time the financial and housing industry was exploding and the hardest areas hit were the areas where he lived.  Unemployment sky rocketed all over and jobs were non-existent.  So my moving with my family down there was put on hold and unfortunately, neither one of us knew when stuff would change.

So here I am in an unintentional long distance relationship.  The difference with this relationship is that we are in a relationship in which both of us are determined for it to work.  One thing that helps is that he is also here with me.   So we both have taken turns coming to see each other.  I can say that since we have been together we have seen each other every 5-6 weeks.  I think because of the distance we talk about everything and because we are in a M/s hierarchy it really forces me to continue to be open.   It has not been easy not being with him all the time but I think the times when we are together are much more special because of the distance.

My words of wisdom…never say never.  My view of a relationship was of two people being together 24/7 but relationships are engineered by the people involved in them.  They should not be defined by others ideas.

MV’s esclave








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