Active Listening, Positive Reinforcement, Perception, and Growth

I know, that’s a lot for a title….LOL  But it is all things I want to talk about.  Hopefully my thoughts are clear, if not, ask.

I will include no disclaimers about my words…

Several thoughts on this subject have been popping around in my head.

I found this really good article on “Active Listening” from Wikipedia.  Type it in a search engine and take a look.

Most people, when they practice “active listening” tend to parrot back to the speaker what was said in order to move towards clarification of something from the speaker to the listener.  This is a useful skill in parenting, relationships, teaching, and working.  This helps with cutting down on misunderstandings of interpretations due to a number of reasons.  It can also help both parties take a step back from a volatile situation due to emotions popping up, triggers (look it up) being set off, old memories and other hindrances to listening to each other.

One of the things, I find, that is not practiced in learning “active listening” is the ability for people to not internalize, even after clarification, what they think the other person might have said due to their own personal, internal blocks.

Meaning, the problem will continue when the listener’s internal filters says:  “I heard what you said and I understand what you said but I know that’s not what you really meant.”

In this instance it is up to the listener to internally work towards understanding their problem because it is their problem.

I used to feel such guilt and responsibility that someone might possibly misunderstand even one word of what I said that I would use many clarifiers to insure that what they heard was pleasant and pleasing and wouldn’t leave them with any negative emotions.  My words became watered down and my convictions became not so convicted.  I had no stand on anything because of my perceptions on how the other person would be affected.

My responsibility…take ownership of what are my problems.  I am all about self-growth and exploration.  I love to learn about myself.  I take full responsibility for my growth and I know when something is not right due to my own internal issues.  I become more me when I become more authentic.  I accept my flaws and know when they are just that, my flaws.  I was out talking with hubby, having an impromptu date night, all of a sudden I started hearing us speak to each other.  It was like one of those out of body for clarity type moments.  I heard us both making disclaimers to each other while we were talking.  I don’t even know when we started doing this.  It just struck me so hard that I stopped talking and I said to him I don’t know when conversations with us became so hard.  When did we have to start apologizing to each other in order to make the other feel good?  I said, “I am not doing that anymore.”  In my mind, at that moment, we became the adults that we both are.  My responsibility in that moment became to treat him as an adult that does not need to be spoon fed anything and also releasing him from whatever feelings he might have of needing to do that to me.  I am not going to assume anymore that he misunderstood my words because trying to clarify something that you think the other person misunderstood or might accept the wrong way will lead to both of you doing this:

Person 1:  I’m sorry, I only meant by my words (insert explanation here)

Person 2:  I understood what you said.  I wanted to let you know that (insert explanation here)

Person 1:  Oh yeah, I got that.  I just wanted to make sure you heard (insert explanation here)

And this can go on and on before you both realize that you don’t even remember what you are clarifying, you don’t remember what you were talking about, and you are both left with this sort of WTF just happened sort of feeling.

In that moment you disconnect from each other.  You stop becoming “one” in the sense of being together in the relationship and start becoming two people in a relationship.

This is not a killer in relationships because with realization of the problem(s) comes growth.  Growth has to happen.  No relationship is static and no two people in a relationship can be static.  Static relationships lead to two people in a dead relationship.

So we move and we ebb and flow as people do. I love and I hate this relationship sometimes.  But it’s always worth the price of admission or submission, so to speak.

Being a Real Master Is Hard Work

I knew this when I started. Being a good master is hard. Really hard.  It requires constant attention to your behavior. Requires consistency in your actions. That doesn’t mean you can’t grow. You can change. But you need to allow your slave to adjust.

Watch out for love. It will sap your will. It will make you less consistent. I was aware of this possibility, it still happened.

And, when you figure it out, it is a long slow recovery. Only you can fix the shit you created.

Remember though, that it can be fixed. and you have to fix it.

 

MV

50/50, 75/25, 60/40, 100/0….

My post tonight will be a short one.

Something I have come to realize in relationships is that when things start to go bad people start to look at how much each has contributed to the relationship.  We start to become consumed with the percentages we give in relation to the other party.

We start making lists of things that we do and they don’t do.  The percentage of promises kept that we keep that they don’t keep. We start looking at how much more we give to the relationship than the other person.  How many times we tried to talk and had to say the same thing over and over due to he or she not listening.  How much more we sacrifice, change, give up than the other person?

For me love is as it says in 1 Corinthians 13: 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

For me this means that love does not keep bringing up the things that the other person has done to the point that it is used as a weapon and a hindrance.  When you start to keep a record of things that the other person has done wrong you are putting your energies into helping you end the relationship.

This relationship has taught me many things both good and bad about myself.  When things are going bad with us I start going over in my head how I serve better than he Master’s.  How I have given up more than he has given up.  How I have adjusted more than he has had to adjust.  Whatever the case may be.  I realized that for myself if I am truly operating from a point of not leaving this relationship then I need to not do that anymore.

I can’t hold onto these “records of wrongs” and leave room for my heart to continue to be open.  These wrongs (perceived or otherwise) close my heart and makes me incapable of seeing when things do change.  I fail to see these changes because holding on to these things makes me doubtful and causes me to be afraid to be open again.

“If you don’t accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense.”

Holly Lisle, Fire In The Mist, 1992

This is just my revelation and everyone has to make the decision for themselves what is and is not good for their relationship. I am all about accepting personal responsibility and for me despite my Master or what’s happening in our relationship this is my personal responsibility to ensure that I am giving me to this relationship.  That is my vow to him.

Reflections on what home feels like

I was recently interviewed for an article concerning the first conference I have ever went to…BlackBEAT.

I read the article and wasn’t really feeling the slant the article took and it didn’t actually vibe with me.  For some reason I kept wishing that the article was focussed more on expanding the classes, having more extras…fun, fun, fun.

Then I thought about it more.  This article was actually spot on.  There was so much truth in this article….simple truth that makes BlackBEAT more than just another conference in a long line of conferences.  There is just something about hugs at BlackBEAT.

When I made the decision to attend BlackBEAT alone I worried that I would get lost in the mix of people that would attend.  One of the things I did was sign up to volunteer so that I could be seen and get to know others who came.  I am normally a quiet person in crowds and not very welcoming to others so this was my way of getting out of my head.   I had no need to worry.  The first person I met when I entered the hotel was Cyberdiva.  She might not realize this or even remember it but that hug and welcome she gave me meant the world to me.  I felt accepted and welcomed.

It touched something in me and  no matter what the rest of the conference held that hug opened me up to be receptive to other hugs and other meetings and other experiences outside of what I usually allowed in my personal space.  When Master and I were leaving the O’Kink Family Reunion, Mistress Max hugged me to say goodbye and I just broke down and cried.  There is just something about hugs given and received at BlackBEAT.

I have to say with each BlackBEAT I have attended it is the same feeling…even at the scaled down day of Survivor Saturday.  Seeing everyone, coming home, being around family…those are the things that make BlackBEAT for me.  The classes, the knowledge shared, the lessons taught and learned are icing on a delicious red velvet cake.

Think I am the only way who feels this way…Nope…check it out…there are others.

If you feel like stepping out and attending a conference this should be your first step…BlackBEAT 2012.  Go with open arms as hugs will be given freely.

PUSH it.

That was a good song. Loved it.

Saw this posted today on FetLife, an event in Durham, NC called PUSH. It seems interesting.  If it were closer, I would try to attend.  You might want to check it out if you are looking for something to do on June 16th.

Details are here.

Continue reading “PUSH it.”

“Why?”

This weekend Master and I realized that we communicate differently.  Shocker, I know…LOL

This communication difference though is in terms of how each of us deal with the question “Why?”

“Imagination is more important than knowledge..”    ~.Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955) 

When I ask the question “Why?’, most times it is not with the desire to really know the answer.   Sometimes I like to just wonder why.  I like to imagine a possible answer outside of the actual answer.   Besides no one has all of the answers and a lot of the stuff that was thought to be the answer to something changes.  So why can’t my imaginings be a possibility.  😀

“If a man empties his purse into his head no one can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.”  

~Benjamin Franklin
US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)

Master, when he asks “Why?” or hears someone else ask “Why?”  he actually needs to find out “Why?”.  He is a lover of facts and knowledge.  His constant companion is either his iPhone or his iPad.  He listens to podcasts, read books, watches TV and looks at videos that deals with facts on different subjecst. He will immerse himself in a subject or many subjects until he has heard all sides.  There have been a number of people who mentioned wanting to lick his brain…LOL  If there is a subject that he has not heard about he will say, “I didn’t know that” and then find out about it.

This does not mean that I don’t find out actual truth about stuff that matters to me or that he doesn’t like to imagine different possibilities.

What this means is that when we talk with each other knowing this difference helps our communication go a lot smoother.  One thing that is a positive is that both of us are flexible.  The times when he wants to talk seriously about something I can and I find out what I don’t actually know.  Times when I need him to fantasize he does.  Worlds open up from his imagination, although a few facts sometimes slip in…lol.

Flexibility and Understanding.  Two more keys to keeping a relationship going.