I thought this post would be a deviation from the normal tone of my “How Not to Negotiate” posts but I think it fits. So often many come in to this lifestyle wondering how to find the One for them or asking what qualifications a Dominant would need to have for them. So many times people speak as if coming into this lifestyle negates their ability to know what is right or wrong for them.
So here’s my post for tonight.
I think the end of my marriage was the ultimate in my long line of bad choices where men are concerned or maybe it was finally my wakeup call…shrugs
I was married for 8 years and celibate for 8 years after that. Although in my marriage I think I was celibate for the last 5 years…LOL and shakes my head.
So after my marriage and all the time I had alone I decided to take a break and find out about me. During that time I learned about myself. I learned that even though the men I dated/loved/married were unable to be what I needed; I did know what I needed and I had to take comfort and be courageous in getting what I need.
I learned that I needed to be alone. Being alone, without someone (man) was for me the worst thing that could happen. It wasn’t. I learned to really love myself for myself. That no one can validate (b : to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of <validate his concerns>) me because I was already worthy. I did not need to try and save someone from their own mess in order to make me not look so bad. I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes. I learned that I can have someone that will love me for me without having to jump through hoops or accept something that was not right for me. My vow…No more martyrdom or saving puppies.
So after my self-imposed break I felt it was time for me to get back out there and I did, but I went back to doing the things that were wrong for me. See my convictions about what I needed and entitled to in my life were untested. “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”
Nelson Mandela, ‘A Long Walk to Freedom’ S. African black civil rights leader (1918 – )
I realized that I had changed. I saw for myself that using my old ways of relating to people did not fit me anymore. I didn’t need to be the old me. That period of my life had served its purpose and now I could truly leave it behind.
My life lessons before entering this lifestyle were valuable to me in steering clear of the many pitfalls of this lifestyle. When I met my Master I already knew what I needed in my life and what I did not need in my life or my children’s lives. No more justifying or trying to make someone love me or accept me and I would accept nothing less. I picked him just as much as he picked me.
So my words of learning: Take to heart the things you have learned from your life. Choosing a Master is no different than choosing a vanilla partner. During the getting to know you process you are getting to know each other as people, companions, lovers, and a M/s couple. To me this lifestyle is about relationship and building a healthy relationship in the way that you need. Don’t rush this part and if it does not meet your needs in the beginning no amount of time will make it fit for you. Hurt people will continue to be hurt people no matter what you do or think you need to do to fix them. Most important, there is nothing wrong with seeking and finding what is right for you.