A Death in the Family

Used under a creative common licence. Click on pic for details.

I was going to make a lite humorous post today, relating to some steampunk sex toys. That isn’t to be. Instead, I want to tell you about a friend of mine. Darque DeSade.

Darque was a photographer and artist living in New York. We met through our times at BlackBEAT. He was a character. I could always count on him to bring a smile to my face. As the years went, I would see him at events in DC, and even on occasion in NYC.

When my girl and I were getting together, I expressed an interest in his work, she bought me one of his prints. It is hanging today in my home, above the mantel in my bed room.  One of the few pieces of art I own that isn’t from my own efforts, or my family.

When his first book came out, we were all happy for him.  I hated that i couldn’t make it to NYC for his second book.

Yesterday I got word that Darque DeSade was with us no more. It was a shock to hear that I would never see him again. The pain that he suffered through for so long is now over.

Rest in peace My Brother. You will be missed

MV

How not to negotiate: Sucks to be you

I remember early on in our relationship Master’s response to my saying something that I did not want to do was “well sucks to be you”.  I would laugh because in my mind it was a joke.  Of course he would take into account everything and pay attention to my feelings.

As time went on though he would continue to say it and I found it less and less funny.  I mean seriously, he would say, “girl, my and Mr. Sparky (the stun gun) want to play with you tonight”.  I would say I HATE Mr. sparky and don’t want to play.  He would well sucks to be you.  (picture me mean mugging).

To me it meant that my words meant nothing when in reality and after the fact I realized that Master continuing to be the Master even through  my objections was what is making our relationship stronger.   I am better in some instances than others with submitting to his guidance.  (It takes time for me to submit fully to Master and in some situations it is easier than others).

He listens to me and understands and asks my advice for things but he is always the Master.  When I am mad or sad or need some correction it is done as my Master.  Our relationship is always M/s and even when I want it to be something else or step back his consistency actually helps me remain safe and secure in my place as his slave.

Now when he says “sucks to be you”.  I don’t get upset I realize it is another opportunity for me to  surrender.

My words of learning:  Submission takes time

Thoughts, comments?  Feel free to share.

MV’s esclave

FetLife: A New User’s Guide part 1

FetLife really changed the game when it came online back in 2008. FetLife was a different sort of social networking site. Before it existed, the kink community congregated in sites like Alt.com, CollarMe.com and Bondage.com. While they all served their purpose, and had thriving forums, they were first and foremost a meat market. Their focus was on getting you laid.

 

 

John Baku changed all that.

 

FetLife was the first social network of its kind. A place on the web for kinky folks where the point wasn’t to get you laid. It was to get you connected with real people. Meet friends. Learn.

 

Getting laid was a bonus.

 

But, because it is so different, coming to FetLife is a bit of a challenge. The way things work can be somewhat hard to understand. This post is meant to assist with the transformation that your thinking will need in order to adjust to the new world that is FetLife.

 

Continue reading “FetLife: A New User’s Guide part 1”

The Road Map to Leadership

Sometime last year I was reading Seth Godin’s book “Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?” and in it he mentions something he calls the road map to leadership. This is a fantastic book on how to make you indispensable as an employee. But I wanted to focus on something he wrote on leadership.

Basically, some people would come to him and ask him the best way to be a leader. His point was that there was no road map to leadership. Each and every leader has to find his or her own path. To be a good leader, you usually have to fail a lot first. You make mistakes, you fuck up. But you learn from them. If you’re a good leader, you don’t keep on making the same mistake over and over again. Hopefully you make entirely new fuckups.

But you grow and you learn. And eventually you do great things. And as a leader you will have to deal with people who come to you with complaints about what you are doing. Some are very passionate, some are just real jerks. All want you to hear them.

This leads me to a second point I want to make. I was listening to a podcast (Restaurant Guys Radio Show, if you’re curious). In it there was a wine maker that was talking about how to get results with your critiques. I liked her approach. While not Lifestyle related, I like learning what I can from whom I can.  No sense reinventing the wheel.

What she said is that if you want to make a difference with your criticism, don’t just say they are missing up. Give them options. If you see me fuck up, and you want to tell me about it, the way not to do it is to come to me and say, “Void, you are fucking up.” You need to come to me and tell me in what way I am messing up and what clever way you have about how not to fuck up in the future. Just coming to a leader and saying that they are bad and can’t do crap is a quick way to be ignored. Not that they want to, but that they have to focus on the issue at hand. Unless you have a solution, then it is probably best to be quiet.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for this evening. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on these subjects.

MV

How Not to Negotiate: How do I find the One for me?

I thought this post would be a deviation from the normal tone of my “How Not to Negotiate” posts but I think it fits.  So often many come in to this lifestyle wondering how to find the One for them or asking what qualifications a Dominant would need to have for them.   So many times people speak as if coming into this lifestyle negates their ability to know what is right or wrong for them.

So here’s my post for tonight.

I think the end of my marriage was the ultimate in my long line of bad choices where men are concerned or maybe it was finally my wakeup call…shrugs

I was married for 8 years and celibate for 8 years after that.  Although in my marriage I think I was celibate for the last 5 years…LOL and shakes my head.

So after my marriage and all the time I had alone I decided to take a break and find out about me.   During that time I learned about myself.  I learned that even though the men I dated/loved/married were unable to be what I needed; I did know what I needed and I had to take comfort and be courageous in getting what I need.

I learned that I needed to be alone.  Being alone, without someone (man) was for me the worst thing that could happen.   It wasn’t.  I learned to really love myself for myself.  That no one can validate (b : to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of <validate his concerns>) me because I was already worthy.  I did not need to try and save someone from their own mess in order to make me not look so bad.  I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes.  I learned that I can have someone that will love me for me without having to jump through hoops or accept something that was not right for me.  My vow…No more martyrdom or saving puppies.

So after my self-imposed break I felt it was time for me to get back out there and I did, but I went back to doing the things that were wrong for me.  See my convictions about what I needed and entitled to in my life were untested.   “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

Nelson Mandela, ‘A Long Walk to Freedom’  S. African black civil rights leader (1918 – )

I realized that I had changed.  I saw for myself that using my old ways of relating to people did not fit me anymore.  I didn’t need to be the old me. That period of my life had served its purpose and now I could truly leave it behind.

My life lessons before entering this lifestyle were valuable to me in steering clear of the many pitfalls of this lifestyle.  When I met my Master I already knew what I needed in my life and what I did not need in my life or my children’s lives.  No more justifying or trying to make someone love me or accept me and I would accept nothing less.  I picked him just as much as he picked me.

So my words of learning:  Take to heart the things you have learned from your life.  Choosing a Master is no different than choosing a vanilla partner.  During the getting to know you process you are getting to know each other as people, companions,  lovers, and a M/s couple.  To me this lifestyle is about relationship and building a healthy relationship in the way that you need.   Don’t rush this part and if it does not meet your needs in the beginning no amount of time will make it fit for you.  Hurt people will continue to be hurt people no matter what you do or think you need to do to fix them.   Most important, there is nothing wrong with seeking and finding what is right for you.

LA Dungeon Scene of Murder and Fire

I found out about this disturbing news this weekend. While it is scene related, I think it is more of a case of work place violence.  Basically, it seems that the alleged murderer was fired from the club earlier, then came back, shot the owner in the head and set fire to the club.

It has been a while since I have read anything this bad involving the scene. You can read more about it here and here.

From LA Weekly Blogs:

Fifty-three-year-old David Edward Albert of Simi Valley was expected to be in court in Inglewood Thursday afternoon for his arraignment. He faces charges of murder, arson and animal cruelty. The body of the owner’s dog was also found in the building.

Prosecutors allege that the suspect shot John Lavine, owner of the Passive Arts bondage club, several times in the head before sparking the blaze at the La Cienega Boulevard building in the city of Lennox.

Authorities said Albert was found hiding in bushes across the street from the smoldering venue Tuesday morning. He was bleeding, and he said he had been hit by a car. But deputies didn’t buy it and placed him under arrested.

MV