How Not to Negotiate – I am Poly

19 07 2010

So in this post I am going to try and tackle polyarmory.  This will be how my perspective has changed from my beginning to now.

So poly for me in this lifestyle took sometime for me to understand exactly what poly was.  I had no problem with it as I thought “wow this is great, I get to have my cake and eat it too” so to speak….lol  My view of poly was of a circle.  Three (or more) of us together, loving, sharing, caring, sex etc. with each other.  I figured that would be perfect I could get to be in love with Master and with another woman and vice versa sort of like a family. Widely held definition for Polyamory = Poly (many), amor (love) = Many loves.

I found out that my idea of the structure of poly relationships was not the only structure possible.  This was a definite shock to me and something that took me several months to adjust to.  While I was thinking that poly would be what is called a triad.  (TRIAD: 1. A polyamorous relationship composed of three people. 2. A union or group of three. Usage: In the sense of Def. 1, generally, the word triad is most often applied to a relationship in which each of the three people is sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members of the triad, as may be the case in a triad consisting of one man and two bisexual women or one woman and two bisexual men; however, it is sometimes also applied to vee relationships.)

The relationship structure would actually be what is known as a “vee”.  (VEE: Colloquial polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. See also triadpivot; See related quadN.)

Big difference between the two structures.  I have to admit I felt in the vee structure that I would be left out.  At that time my view on loving relationships were between two people only in the relationship.   I couldn’t understand why two people in a relationship could not be enough for the other.  This also played into my fears of abandonment as my previous relationships were unintentionally poly, meaning my other was a cheater.  So I saw the Vee type poly in a very negative way.  Still this did not turn me off of being in a poly relationship.  I just needed to educate myself a bit more and it gave Master and I something else to consider before we became a M/s couple.  It also helped me to identify another issue that I needed to work through.  I have to say confronting this issue made my commitment to Master that much stronger.  It was his way of talking to me, his consistency and reassurance and his helping me with my past issues that helped me see that being in a relationship with him is different than my other non-consensual poly relationships.

The definitions above came from this site:  Xeormag/Polyamorous Glossary.  I encourage you to take a look at this site for additional definitions on different poly structures.

My words of wisdom:  Know your terms and make sure you understand what they mean.  Something like this can damage a relationship.

Anything you would like to add or comment on please feel free to share.

Thanks.

MV’s esclave

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One response

31 07 2010
Phazia

I wish I could ‘share’ this on my FB (ok, it’s the only social networking page I have). Book title book title. . . (this is me wracking my brain). . . something slut (DAMMIT! damn brain). J~ will know. ETHICAL! Ok, Ethical Slut- one of the (many) things they talk about is how there is NOT a FINITE amount of love and caring and feeling. There are different amounts, I’m going to toss in here being 1st slave, 2nd, etc etc. And those ‘titles’ can change.

I think it’s entirely possible- both the V and the triad, and well, ALL possibilities (and yeah, there are infinite ways and relationships). Friends, lovers, friends who are lovers, friends who are just sex, just sex, and then how you put all those puzzle pieces together for you AND how everyone else is putting those pieces together. Your friend/lover could be the wife/husband/lifepartner, #1 for someone else. So, you’re not #1. . . big deal, do you get to spend the time with this person as you like? Ok then. It’s just gotta work out for EVERYONE. Which obviously means it’s not perfect all of the time, but WHAT IS!? It’s got to be perfect enough to be able to handle the hard stuff, which is INEVITABLE.

Man, I think I might have memorized that book. . . 🙂

Thank-you R. I’ve got a million more thoughts in my head, but I think this is rambling enough for right now. Thanks for making me think!!!

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