“It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one’s thoughts…” Isabel Colegate
I am pretty sure that I have written about this topic many times before but this for me is not just a one time thing it is constant and conscious. I envision my being a slave to Master like a crystal. I am being molded into a shape that is pleasing to him but I still contain all the different aspects of me. This is how I think of my surrender to Master.
I am just not sure how to start this. So I am just going to start typing and hopefully this will be clear and in some kind of order.
This past March I went down to visit my Master. The minute I got there he grabbed my tits in that excruciating way that he does. Sort of like a squeeze and twist sort of technique and my piercings add something extra special. Trust me…hurts like heck. Totally puts me in a different head space. Afterwards he bought out the dreaded stun gun…i HATE that thing. He hit me with it twice. As I am sitting there with him on the floor he gets some rope, dumps it on me and ties me up…nice 🙂 He then puts clips on my breasts and then directly on my nipples. Did I mention that my nipples are pierced and that having clips on them hurts really, really bad…lol He puts them directly on my nipples and then pulls them off. This was done several times to the point where my nipple started to bleed.
Usually after intense play, I just need a blanket and a quiet place by myself. I don’t usually like it when people touch me or even speak to me after intense play as I need to “collect” myself. I feel that touching me and caring for me after you have hurt me is too vulnerable a place for me. So I don’t do it. Not with anyone. To appear weak and vulnerable is not something that I can do easily. There has been no place in my life for this.
This last time with Master however, I wanted after care. As I was sitting in my corner, I kept asking myself why am I deliberately being alone. I wanted him to hold me and let me cry in his arms. I wanted him to smooth my face and reassure me that he loves me and will always be there. I just could not bring myself to ask him even though I wanted to beg him to just sit near me. That was a wow moment for me.
I didn’t realize that this was another wall I had built up to protect myself. Emotional pain is worse than physical pain. I have had a lot of emotional pain. I can endure physical pain, scars heal, endorphins kick in, life is good. But residual emotional pain affects many parts of me. I realize it now.
So here is me shedding light on this part of me and surrendering further to my Master.